I had intended to
write this for some time, but I could never quite find the right words to use
for something like this. It’s a scary thought: to have your sins laid bare
before you and the world – to make known your shame. Many years ago, I
confessed my love for a wonderful woman on this very blog. I suppose it’s only
fit that I here confess my sins against her.
In
the years I spent at UW, I always found myself gravitating to my female counterparts,
as opposed to the men in our circle of friends. I suppose that’s the problem
with having nearly all your friends from anime club – there tends to be a lower
overall level of maturity to be found among your peers. Not to say that all the
guys there were immature children – it’s just that a certain level of maturity
and more serious conversations were, I found, to be had with the girls. This
gravitation towards members of the fairer sex combined with the alcoholic
nature of the many parties we had made a recipe for disaster that would end
with Brenda understandably losing her trust in me.
The
first person with whom I encountered relational issues with was Joy. It wasn’t
that I was attracted to her, but our personalities worked so well together. We
were both incredibly enthusiastic and outgoing people who weren’t worried about
looking the fool so long as fun was to be had. I recall one evening where we
both met at Trabant for a cup of their salted-caramel creamy chai [I think at
that point, we referred to it as the SCCC – with additional C’s for comedic
effect]. She had introduced me to the buttery combination several weeks prior
and we were both hooked on the stuff. Over the course of the evening [she had
just gotten out of an evening seminar class of some sort], we discovered our
mutual admiration of old 90s sitcoms and cartoons and alternative rock music.
We spent the better part of several hours reminiscing over shows like “Reba”
and “Jackie Chan Adventures” before going to dinner together. I didn’t have
enough cash at the time and so offered to put the whole bill on my card to
simplify things and just have her pay me back at a later time. At this point,
to me, this was just a fun evening with a good friend, but, as her friends
pointed out to her, it could be considered a date [although we both later
realized that neither of us actually thought of it that way].
Fast
forward several weeks and we’re both at a party in the Townhouse, drinking and
having a merry time. She jokingly steals my seat and I retaliate by sitting on
top of her. Because of the drunken stupor, I can’t quite recall when our
positions reversed and she sat atop my lap – for all I know, that could have
been at a subsequent party. Things had gotten a bit grabby – especially with
Russell’s drinking game – but we concluded the evening with our dignity intact.
Not too long after, however, she and I both agreed to sit down for a serious
talk about our behaviour at these parties. We decided to maintain our distance
and keep things as friends. As mature adults, we adhered to this agreement for
the rest of our time at UW, even when we ended up living with each other at the
Townhouse. There was no real romance between us – just a strange affinity
resulting from having essentially the same hobbies and personality. At the time
though, I knew Brenda wasn’t exactly fond of the closeness developing between
Joy and I, but I didn’t want to distance myself from a friend when we both knew
exactly how things were to be between us.
My
second encounter was, by far, the greatest issue and most definitely the largest
wedge driven into our relationship.
Her
name was Susan and she was the only person who made me question my feelings for
Brenda.
We
met in a study group for the first organic chemistry course. I honestly can’t
recall how, but we became quite close after that. We bonded over our history in
tennis and affection for alcohol. She was very open about her past
relationships and how they ended – her love life in general, I guess. I had
never known someone with such a history [given how I spent my previous years in
a private school and then in the nerd herd of a public school, I shouldn’t be
too surprised though]. In my heart, I was speaking with someone who I saw had
been broken one too many times and, in my naiveté, sought to reach out and
help. We spent many nights talking over Facebook and with a webcam. She didn’t
exactly wear a lot of clothing when we spoke online, but at the time, I thought
it better not to say anything since she said it made her uncomfortable [no, she
was not naked online – I took the time to look through the thousands of
messages we exchanged to confirm this. So for those who I told the story to a
while back: my bad, I technically lied to you about this].
There
was a time she was feeling incredibly sick, so took it upon myself to skip out
on class that day and come over to take care of her. At some point, I laid in
her bed with her in my arms to help her deal with the ridiculous coughing fits
she kept having. Obviously not something someone with a girlfriend should have
been doing, but she really was in a lot of pain. Sometime later, she invited me
to a club event hosted by some of the Asian student associations on campus. I
had never been to one and was a bit curious, but at this point, I’m pretty sure
I was just denying the fact that I wanted to spend some time with her. As she
called it, we did a lot of “dirty dancing” the entire night to the point where
the button-down I was wearing was actually worn out quite a bit. After that, I
ended up spending the night at her place because it was too late to get home by
bus. The only bit I can recall at the end of that evening was when I woke up sharing a blanket with her on
the floor of the apartment. As the months passed, we kept on going about things
in a less than ideal manner. As far as parties were concerned, she’d stay over,
I’d stay over, and we’d talk to each other for a very long time and late in the
evening online.
It’s
not like she wasn’t aware that I had a girlfriend – she’d refer to me as a
friend when we were talking or when talking about me with other people. We
never held hands or kissed or did all that PDA couples usually do, but there
was definitely an intimacy that normal friends do not share. As we grew to know
more about each other, my affection grew alongside and to a point where I
wasn’t sure with whom I was really in a relationship anymore. Eventually, I
realized that this needed to come to a stop. Things were just running rampant
and I was losing my mind. She actually did get a boyfriend during the time this
was all going on. It was then that I decided to confess my feelings for her,
knowing that, because of her new relationship, she would have to deny me.
Things slowly petered off after that and most of our conversations were limited
to discussing club matters or physics class notes/exams. The damage to my
relationship with Brenda, however, was already done. I had lied too many times
to her about Susan.
During
my final year at UW, we had many a new member join our anime club, one of whom
was Virginia. While there was no actual romantic intent between us, my
closeness with her only fueled Brenda’s mistrust in me. Like it was with Joy,
we both had an affinity for each other due to mutual hobbies, namely, anime and
cooking. We would hang out after anime club back at the new apartment with Jay,
my roommate, and watch more anime while sipping some scotch that I had bought.
I made no attempts to lie to Brenda about this, especially after what happened
with Susan [the guilt within me was just too much to deal with any longer].
Virginia would stay over from time to time, not necessarily out of choice, but
because the late-night owl bus would come too early and she would miss the last
stop. This only increased in occurrence during the summer, unfortunately. While
everybody else was back home for the heat, she and I were the only ones left
from anime club still near the U-district [another friend was taking a summer
course as well, but commuted from home far from school, so he wasn’t around for
much longer after classes ended]. As a result, Virginia and I would spend much
more time together just because we were the only people around. She had a
boyfriend at the time, so it wasn’t like she was romantically interested in me.
We spent much time having conversations about anime, food, and our
relationships. Not once did I experience the same sentiments I had with Susan,
but the fact that she was spending so much time around my apartment didn’t allay
any of Brenda’s worries.
Obviously,
it’s not like I only knew three women during my time in Seattle. There were
many other girls I became friends with and spent much time with on a regular
basis. These three were simply the ones with influence over my love life. I was
more than aware of several others who had feelings for me, but nothing came of
it.
And,
of course, there was the queen of my life too, Brenda. My love for her started
out as a small grade school crush that didn’t really blossom until 8th
grade, when we were in the same group for our English class project and we
actually spoke for the first time. Though I was quite young, I was mad for this
girl. I looked forward to and cherished any and every single moment we spent
talking to each other over MSN messenger or AIM when we were in high school. In
our third year, I finally confessed my affection for her on this very blog. Our
first date was at Puente Hills AMC 20. She was wearing her ACI Institute
sweater and greeted me with the biggest smile and a hug. To be honest, I don’t
even remember what movie we went to go see. The rest of the time was spent
window shopping around the mall with her hand in mine. It was only the first
date, but I knew then I was fiercely in love with her. I remember writing cheesy,
lovey-dovey poetry to her, which accompanied any gift I gave to her. The first
prom was at my school and cost me $145 for both tickets [more than other
students because she was not from the same school]. I remember asking her
friend, Tiffany, to help me out by keeping her at the tennis courts [mostly
because that was the only place at RHS that I knew about at the time]. It was a
small thing: I handed her a wild rose and asked her out, albeit a little over a
week before prom. I waited almost a whole year before I actually said the words
“I love you” to her and it took even longer – the next time we went to prom at
her school – to kiss her.
When
the time came for us to go to college, she said something very unsettling to
me: she wanted me to fight for her because she was unsure of whether or not she’d
be able to love me after dealing with the pain of me being gone for so long. And
fight for her I did. We spent countless hours talking about the future of our
relationship, not knowing where we were going to settle after college and just
coping with the distance. She wasn’t very fond of the idea of me staying in
Seattle, wanting me to come back home to California after I was done. At the
time, and even still now, I didn’t really feel like I had a place for me in the
world. There was no place I could call home and no place really felt like it,
except when I saw Brenda’s face and a familiar feeling of joy would overflow –
to me, she was my home.
My
intense love for Brenda was what kept me sane after so many years of life in
the Liberal and sexually open atmosphere of college life. I held onto that
lifeline when things were getting strange with Joy and after the emotional debacle
that was me getting to know Susan. At some point, I noticed that my grades
weren’t as top notch as I would have liked for my potential future in medical
school. My world just came crashing down on me as the realization dawned on me
that I would not be able to provide for Brenda in the future. I stopped going
to class for a while and just sat in my room in a stupor of depression and
confusion. Then her father passed away. I knew exactly what I should have done:
call her, talk to her, fly down back to California for her, but I did none of
those things. I was so ashamed of the fact that I tried to kill myself that I
couldn’t bring upon her the idea that another person was nearly permanently out
of her life.
Trying
to work things out after that never really succeeded. We spent a long time
talking about this and I remember asking her ceaselessly what I could do, but
she never gave me an answer. As a college student with no part-time job, I didn’t
have any money to spend. Sure, my parents would send me a monthly stipend for
food and school supplies, but it was just enough. I didn’t have the money to
spend on lavish gifts for Brenda – and if I did, wouldn’t that mean I could
just bribe my way back into a good relationship? That’s not what anybody wants.
So, I gave to her the most precious thing I had: my time. I spent every waking
moment I could with her, but it was apparent that this wasn’t enough. The
damage was done: the scars were there and I could do nothing to show her that I
was different from before. I was, but it was just too late for her. She broke
up with me soon after in September of 2014 and thus ended our six-year
relationship.
I
promised myself that I would not shed a single tear over the break up, but it hasn't
been easy. Knowing it was my fault that it ended and knowing that I had betrayed
her was just so wholly devastating. I was wracked with guilt for so long. I
know my behaviour was less than stellar in college and completely inexcusable,
but I knew that and tried so hard to find a way to show Brenda I had changed,
but nothing worked.
When
we broke up, I remember telling her I would still talk to her every day, asking
how her day was and carrying on conversation like friends do, but I could never
bring myself to do it. I thought it would just take a couple weeks or so to get
over the fact and start again. I was still holding onto those words she spoke
to me so many years ago: “fight for me,” but I just couldn’t do it anymore. I
loved her too much to try again because I knew I couldn’t stand the idea of
breaking her heart for the second time. My heart was too broken to try and love
again either. And so, I spent the next few months completely broken, going
through the motions and just finishing up college.
Returning
to California was rather surprising for me. I found that there was still a warm
heart within my church family. I could see myself being slowly put back
together as I found my way back to my faith that I had abandoned so many years
ago. And yet, I still couldn’t let go of Brenda. I don’t know why – she wasn’t
about to come back into my life again, but she was such a large part of my life
for so long that I didn’t know what else to do. I loved her and in some way, I
still do now, but if I’m to start living again, I have to let go. This past
week, I have been slowly removing the things she has given me and the one thing
I remember her by: that keychain I gave to her so many years ago as a sign of
my love and commitment for her.
I
wasn’t sure exactly how I would finally end my time with Brenda, but now I do.
And to that effect, I would like take the words of Leonard Church from the
popular webseries, “Red vs. Blue”
[Church]
…figure out how to do it right, but now I know. I know how to fix all of this –
how to end it once and for all. It was so simple all along: I just had to tell
you three words. Three words I wasn’t capable of telling you before.
[Tex]
Oh, okay, wait a minute, are you gonna say “I love you?”
[Church]
No, Tex, no, I’m not gonna say “I love you.” I’m gonna say “I forget you.” I
forget you. I’m letting you go.
I
forget you, Brenda. I’m letting you go.
