And Ever

A long time ago, She told me something. It was a request. A plea. A mandate.

A promise. 

I was asked to do the impossible. I was told that, one day, I would stand alone in the field. That at some point in our shared lives, I would have to save us. 

"I want you to fight for us," is what she told me before I left. From that moment, I knew that one day, the distance would prove to be too difficult - too divisive - and that I would have to be the one to pull us back from the brink.

It's quite noble, isn't it? So thoughtful and romantic to see that far and hope for your love to never give up hope when you have. What a noble request, trusting them to hold onto your heart. What a request. A plea. A mandate.

A betrayal.

And what of the other side? To find out that you know that one day, you will no longer love me like you once did, is incredibly disheartening. Yes, I have wronged you dearly. I was absent in a time of deep grief and sorrow. It is a failure and shame I can never forgive of myself. But you already know why I was gone. 

To lose to foundations of my faith. To realize my dreams of medical school would never come to fruition. To realize I would be a disappointment to my parents. To see that I had nearly nothing left was absolutely soul-crushing. All I had left was you. 

"I can fight - I can claw and hold on to that last shred of light until my hands can bleed no longer. I can cling onto the love I still burn with long after my eyes have dried," I told myself. I tried so desperately to hold on to the last bit of happiness I had in my life. I had broken the very fundamentals upon which I was raised to stay with you. 

But I couldn't fight forever. Holding onto those words for all these years was indescribably blackening. I had nothing left. There was no future left to me in my short time left at college and nobody to return to when I came home. The grief inside me grew to such immeasurable heights.And, well, we all know what happened.

Nothing is like how it once was. I don't see the same affection in your eyes anymore. Your voice is cold and sharp and I can't feel the warmth in your touch. I'm back home and yet, I miss you. You're there sitting next to me and I still miss you. 

Are you so unattracted to me that the only way we can be in the same room is when you're distracted watching something onscreen? Do you even love me anymore? It's been so long since we would just lie together and just bask in each other's presence. I can't remember the last time I felt your lips on mine, much less seen your smile. I miss the feeling of warmth and bliss of your embrace.

I've fought so hard, but I can't do it alone. I don't want to give up, but I can't keep doing this forever.

Self-Help

Things have changed.

Everybody's all graduated and grown up, moving on with their lives. Some finding internships as illustrious hospitals, others moving on to medical or grad school, and some are leaving the states behind for moderately greener pastures.

And here I am. Just slowly wasting away as I aimlessly meander throughout the labyrinth of life. I honestly don't know what I am doing anymore. For all intents and purposes, attending UW was supposed to put me on a path towards medical school in the hopes that I'd one day emerge as a surgeon. Now, instead of struggling to learn how to cut into other people, I'm struggling to learn how to not cut into me.  

Yes, that's right, I tried to kill myself.

Everything in my life has turned to absolute garbage. I've all but stopped going to class at this point and don't even bother to work at all sometimes. The fire that once burned so brightly and fiercely inside of me has been extinguished. I no longer care for myself in any proper fashion except to maintain the thin veil of a prim and proper appearance for the sake of the people I occasionally meet. I've hurt Brenda in such a way that I feel as though I'd never find forgiveness in her heart for me. Things seem to be okay, but deep down, it feels as though she's repulsed by me and that there's nothing I can do about it. I'm constantly lying to everyone about how well my life is going [I guess I have to thank Production Choir for that - it taught me how to fake a smile despite any sour mood underneath]. 

And I can't even bring myself to care. 

I've pretty much lost everything - my faith, my home, my girlfriend, myself. I've always been unhappy, that much I know. As strange as it may seem, I never knew what it was like to be "truly happy." That blissful experience everyone else talks about? I don't know how to find it. I thought I was happy whenever I was with Brenda, but it seems as though even that turned out to a slow decaying of a temporary puppy love. I know I love her, but I can't feel that small twinge of happiness whenever I see her anymore. I can't feel the joy I used to have even hanging out with my friends. I can't feel what I imagined to be happiness with my family at church. I can't feel anything anymore.

I always wanted that happiness I saw so frequently in everyone else. For the longest time, I thought if I could bring a smile to the people around me, I'd somehow find my own. And that worked - for a while. But at some point, I guess I realized that this happiness was not mine. And after that, I assumed that being happy was none of my business - making other people happy, however, was something I was fully capable of doing. It's not that I'm a people-pleaser - far from it, actually [I'd gladly smack any kiss-asses I come across] - it's just that I don't know how to do it for myself. 

But I can't keep going like this. All this pain and misery inside have hollowed me out to nothing but a crumbling shell. I don't want to feel sad all the time. I want to know what it means to be truly happy in my life - even if just for a brief moment. Just one iota of time when I can say truly "yes" if someone asks me if I'm enjoying myself. I can't live like this anymore.

I just don't know what to do to change that.