A long time ago, She told me something. It was a request. A plea. A mandate.
A promise.
I was asked to do the impossible. I was told that, one day, I would stand alone in the field. That at some point in our shared lives, I would have to save us.
"I want you to fight for us," is what she told me before I left. From that moment, I knew that one day, the distance would prove to be too difficult - too divisive - and that I would have to be the one to pull us back from the brink.
It's quite noble, isn't it? So thoughtful and romantic to see that far and hope for your love to never give up hope when you have. What a noble request, trusting them to hold onto your heart. What a request. A plea. A mandate.
A betrayal.
And what of the other side? To find out that you know that one day, you will no longer love me like you once did, is incredibly disheartening. Yes, I have wronged you dearly. I was absent in a time of deep grief and sorrow. It is a failure and shame I can never forgive of myself. But you already know why I was gone.
To lose to foundations of my faith. To realize my dreams of medical school would never come to fruition. To realize I would be a disappointment to my parents. To see that I had nearly nothing left was absolutely soul-crushing. All I had left was you.
"I can fight - I can claw and hold on to that last shred of light until my hands can bleed no longer. I can cling onto the love I still burn with long after my eyes have dried," I told myself. I tried so desperately to hold on to the last bit of happiness I had in my life. I had broken the very fundamentals upon which I was raised to stay with you.
But I couldn't fight forever. Holding onto those words for all these years was indescribably blackening. I had nothing left. There was no future left to me in my short time left at college and nobody to return to when I came home. The grief inside me grew to such immeasurable heights.And, well, we all know what happened.
Nothing is like how it once was. I don't see the same affection in your eyes anymore. Your voice is cold and sharp and I can't feel the warmth in your touch. I'm back home and yet, I miss you. You're there sitting next to me and I still miss you.
Are you so unattracted to me that the only way we can be in the same room is when you're distracted watching something onscreen? Do you even love me anymore? It's been so long since we would just lie together and just bask in each other's presence. I can't remember the last time I felt your lips on mine, much less seen your smile. I miss the feeling of warmth and bliss of your embrace.
I've fought so hard, but I can't do it alone. I don't want to give up, but I can't keep doing this forever.
