God of Heaven Come Down

i don't know what's wrong with me.

everyday i try to make good, to deny the evil within me, but everyday, i crash and fall. every day i try to make different and every day is the same. nothing i do has any effect on anything.

the evil is growing stronger with every fall. i can feel its pull on my heart, soul, and mind. it has crept into every crevice of my being. it's in every corner of my mind and it's eating me inside out. there's no telling if i'll ever make it out with my sanity or my life.

i pray for God to come and liberate my soul of this evil inside me. i pray for Him to forgive me of my sinful ways. i repent of my old life and wish to start anew.

i pray this now:

please God, if You're there, help me be rid of this evil that now plagues every part of my being. please forgive me for sinning against You. let me start over God. let me be a light unto Your name and not a Sunday Christian. help me to end this cycle of sinning and repentance. help me to live a new life free of this and let me be devoted to only You. please Lord. help me. amen.

denied

"To deny our own impulses is to deny the very thing that makes us human."
"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me."

which quote is true? can they both be? do u even know where they come from?

it doesn't matter where the first quote comes from (although, if you do study it carefully, you just might remember). it's the second that you should know. "cross" "follow me" those are the words of Christ himself. (it comes from the gospel of Mark)

which do i follow? both? is that even possible?

we are obviously human, no question about it. but does this mean that by denying ourselves, we are no longer human? that we must give up our humanity to follow Christ? the thought scares me. to no longer be a part of anything of this world and leave everything behind to follow the Messiah. the choice is simple, black on white, crystal clear, whatever's the appropriate simile for you. Follow Christ. but making the choice is easy, it's actually trying to follow through is hard.

can i really give up all of this? can i just drop it all on the side of the road and pursue Christ with heart, soul, and mind?

probably. we were never meant to be a permanent part of this world. our bodies are just temporary holding cells for our souls until we go up to heaven and yet, so much ties us to this world. our possessions and desires keep us down. we can never be free to follow God if we're shackled by our wants and impulses.

i have lusted for this world, and i still do. all the things it offers are so enticing that i'm right at the edge. but something's holding me back, keeping me from taking that plunge. it's the one thing i want that's being kept from me by other wants. it's a tug-of-war here; one side is the world and the other is Jesus. both are pulling me so strongly that i'm about to break. i'm at the brink of falling to my knees and never being able to be with the eternal One. i'm so close to the edge that i can hear death's footsteps echoing mine so perfectly that it's almost a part of me.

a look back

looking back on my life, i realize how far i've come. if someone were to look back on my earlier years, it would be nigh impossible to realize that crazed, enraged wreck of a child was once me. i'm no longer the child whose irrational behaviour and anger got the best of him. now i'm more analytical with my movements and actions. even so, i'm still a shadow of my former self.

i still do get angry, and rarely does it get the best of me. it still does, in which case i usually separate myself from the general public should i turn demonic and hurt someone. i have been known by several separate entities who have witnessed, and sometimes experienced, what anger can do to me. it's shown that the emotion anger inhibits the rationalization process within the brain, which explains why we do stupid things when we are infuriated, but still doesn't exempt me, or anyone for that matter, from the things we've done. i hated myself, and i still do, for all the things i've done under anger's spell.

it's difficult for me to channel my anger properly. instead of trying to something constructive, i just bury it deep within the pits of myself and move on. i have been able to control my temper, but only to a certain degree. there are times when that anger i've built up eventually spills over my barrier of self control and floods through my whole body. at which point, violence often ensues. with my friend (who shall remain nameless) felt the full blow of this flood, in other words, i broke his arm. however, it was by God's grace that somehow, instead of expulsion or suspension or saturday school, nothing happened.

it's at those low points in my life where God reveals Himself to me and i learn something new about myself. it was that day that i realized how dangerous i was when anger found its way to spill over my...."emotional levees," and from then on, i did my best to control myself and keep the floodwaters from rushing out. coincidentally, i had decided to take up tennis and it was then i realized that instead of unloading my emotional grief all at once, i was able to release some of that pent-up rage and keep the floodwaters of belligerence at bay.

dead man

i'm dead. no questions about it. (at least, i don't think so)

i feel as though my whole life's nothing but a huge charade. most, if not all people, have no idea about the "real" me. the person inside this shell of a helpful person without a problem in the world. *rolls eyes* almost everything i've said or done was either out of habit or "kindness." i've never one tried to actually explain what i truly think to anyone. i don't tell them that i think they're douche bags for being such fags and dumbasses. instead, i just nod or whatever and just help them out. not that i'm being selfish or anything but everything i've done was always for someone else. i've never done something for me or anything.

there are always days where i don't want to go to church early and help set up the worship equipment and sound system. (in fact, those days are coming at me at a larger frequency) yet, i still persevere through all the grunt work of moving huge ass speakers and enormous mobile shelves full of mics and drums. i do this on a weekly basis because there's really not anyone else to do it (fscking lazy asses >.< ). i know the Lord appreciates self-sacrifice and all, but i can't even begin to describe how i just want to tell people to get off their lazy asses and for once, get some sleep myself. i understand that it's for God and everything, but it just feels as though i'm lying to myself again. why do i still do it even though i don't like it? what makes me get up in the morning and do what i do? is it simply out of obligation? it's like i'm some fscking empty shell of a person.

i'm dead, inside. there's nothing left of my former self and the only thing holding me upright is that freaking shell of what i want to be.

goodbye music, hello God (?)

oddly enough, i've been strangely fortunate with whatever's going on in my life. the one thing i hate doing the most (lying) has been saving my ass left and right. i'm making a point to stop but like i said earlier, it's like a second nature to me.

music's been a rather significant portion my life. day in and day out, i'm listening to all sorts of things like rock or classical or whatever. unfortunately, it's starting to sneak it's way in to other parts of my life.

the whole point of worship at church is to worship God but sometimes, i just do it for the music (i'm the sound guy so i'm supposed to pay attention to the music anyway but that's not the point). it's been difficult for me to listen to sermons and sunday school lessons when songs keep playing over and over in my head. even now, my brain is on shuffle (it's paramore i'm "listening to" btw), which makes sense that music is one of my greatest pleasures. God's supposed to be my number one but lately, it's as if He's been pushed back in line for the sake of music. i love God and i love music. so does that mean i'm supposed to......give up music? just the thought is terrifying to me. i can't give up music; music's everything. maybe that's why i need to give it up.

i haven't felt God's presence in a long time. i know He does this to help us turn to Him in our times of grief and trouble, but i haven't. i've just listened to music to drown out the noise of life. it's hard to write these things because when i do see it, it "becomes" real. i mean, i know it's there, but the simple act of writing actually brings the issue up to my face. :/ perhaps it's time to quiet down my life for God. who knows? things might take a turn for the better.

hell if i know

something i wrote that was never blog-bound till now.

Confusion’s the path I’ve always been on. Never understood myself; the way I saw things, said things, and especially felt things were always a mystery. I try to be a good person, I really do. That being said, I’m nothing more than a thoroughly grade-A ass. Despite my best efforts to be a Christian, I constantly lie, cheat, etc. (well, that’s pretty much the main two). Oddly enough, I’ve always been a good—no—excellent liar. I could totally come up with a lie on the spot and be able to say it straight to that person’s face. (In fact, just a couple days ago, I did just that to my teacher). Lying’s been so easy for me (mostly because I can remember stuff easily and because I’m a quick thinker) it’s practically a reflex when I’m in a pinch. I totally blame my 7th grade literature teacher for making do extemporaneous speaking (no, still my fault). I don’t like it and I hate myself for doing it, but it does make thing easier. But from what I’ve learned, doing the right thing’s often hard. So does that make me a coward? Or lazy? I don’t know which but either way, I’m still a total sleaze ball.

I’m probably a pessimist or something like that because I can’t look at a single good thing about myself if I’ve got all these flaws. Maybe that’s why I try to help out whenever I can, you know? layer upon layer of distraction. I try to look “normal” and “happy” and whatnot in front of my friends but inside, I’m dying. I’m dying from all the things I’ve done. All the lies and deception in my life constantly resurface and I’m choking on it all. I don’t deserve my friends or my family. Hell, I probably don’t even deserve anything good that I’ve got.

My head’s not a nice place to be. It’s a jumble of random thoughts that if put together, just show you the real me. Underneath my shell of a human being is something you’d never want to meet, much less get to know. All the things I’ve ever done I’ve tried to erase with what I do now. I want to be a better person, but I know deep down, that’s not possible. I can’t change who I am, it’s me. Anything else I try to be is just me lying to myself. I wish I could change, I so do. But the reality is, I don’t know if I ever will.