Back

Something's been on my mind for a long long time...
Just waiting to break free
After a lot of soul searching and thought
After a lot of falling into ditches, I've hit rock bottom
And now


I'm back

A bit of inspiration and relation:

Forever - By Fireflight

Sometimes I feel so cold
Like I'm waiting around all by myself
Loneliness gets so old
I'm in the lost and found sitting on the shelf
Been stuck for way too long
But I hear Your voice
You're who I'm counting on

Oh, tell me You're here
That You will watch over me forever
Oh, take hold of my heart
Show me You'll love me forever

I know that You can tell
When I start to let my hope fade away
I need to catch myself
Open my ears to hear You calling my name
Been fighting way too long
But I hear Your voice
You had me all along

Oh, tell me You're here
That You will watch over me forever
Oh, take hold of my heart
Show me You'll love me forever

When I'm starting to drown
You jump in to save me
When my world's upside down
Your hands, they shake me and wake me

Oh, tell me You're here
That You will watch over me forever
Oh, take hold of my heart
Show me You'll love me forever

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U0l7_vsOxp8

Tell Me

Tell me something
Is it better
To burn out?
Or to fade away?

Is it better
To go out on top?
To die in a blaze of glory?
To leave with an untarnished legacy?
To be legendary? Immortal?

Or rather
Carry on past your best days?
Disappear into the world like an infinitesimal speck?
Leave behind a blemish on your reputation?
Grow imperfect? Laughable? Forgotten?

Is it better
To disappear at your prime?
Or drag on past your time?

I think you know

My Second Shadow

A broken soul
A sharpened knife
A world of sin and strife
Such is my way of life

I burned something many a year ago
When I did I saw my foe
Standing as a gargoyle in the snow

It had horns aflame
In them I saw my name
A man who had come to me to lay his claim

His burning flames swallowed me whole
Never in my life had I felt so cold
The icy flames eating away at my soul
Where my soul existed was now a hole

His burning hands took hold
Of my mind, body, and soul
With them he began to mold
Creating a creature of angst and a heart ice cold

I had become, in essence, a crow
Wherever I went, I brought death and woe
For in life, my soul was once was pure as snow
But its death gave birth to a second shadow

How It Goes

You try so hard
Against temptation you stand your guard
But all you gain is a soul scarred

Everything you knew is falling
They can hear your soul calling
The sound of the scrapes of its nails from crawling

"An A for effort" some say
You scream back to them "nay"
As the sky and all you know turns to ash and gray

It was like a nuclear fallout
Now stumbling in a world full of doubt
Living in a world of things you can live without

Tears stream down your cheek
Words jumbled together as you speak
Showing that you are naught but cowardly and weak

You're me now
Voice alone
Sleeping on a new nail bed
Like a flashlight on but lost

Soon you learn
That we all have to burn something
Because that's simply
How it goes

Dark Light

They run
Towards the demons of want and greed they charge
Piercing cries resound throughout the world

It starts to rain
The muddy ground slowing them evermore
The angels and spirits swallow the demons whole
Binding the beasts to their holy chains

The spirits of God fight ferociously
They believe the end has come
The seraphs fight to cleanse this realm

They battle for freedom
They fight not for their lives
But for the light
Hoping to wander the planes of existence without sin

The beasts on the other side stand still
These demons do not fight
For they know the truth

The creatures of desire and impeccable evil
They know more than the pure of heart
These demons need not fight

For they know
That the closer the angels draw to the light
The longer their shadows become

Storms on the Rise

Dark clouds flying overhead
Blocking out the sun
Shrouding the world in a second darkness

A treacherous time it may be
Thieves are afoot
Stealing and killing for their own selves

Shadows looming over all
Towering over what little innocence remains
Burning their images to the ground

Day turns to night
People unable to behold the sight
Overtaken by fear they make flight

The Grand Architect sits atop a hill
Humming its song at the other edge of the world
Orchestrating the end of times

Curiouser and Curiouser

A watery tank sits in a field
The thought eater of the world
At the edge of all existence

The Devil's hands cannot touch it
Neither can God's

It hums loudly day and night
Overbearing it's victim's plight
A single man at the edge of the world

A whirling dervish rides to the edge
Leading an army of God's angels
Against the Devil's forces they march

The tank sits in the middle of the fray
Humming its song

Anyone Else

You realize
That you are not
Better than anyone else
Not better
Than everybody else

All my life
I've had to Be
Better than everyone else
Just to Be loved
By anyone else

You are not better
Not better than anyone else
You are worse
Worse than everyone else

Worse?
It sounds like
Your self-esteem got the
Better of you

When there is no one else
I will always
Always be here for you
No one else

I love you
I have
I do
I will

Say it back
For once in your life
Say it back

If not to me
Then anyone
Anyone else

A Touch from the Blue

In Life
The only thing we feared
Was Death

But what if
Death was taken away?

What if
Life was forced back through the lips of the orphaned soul?
A longing for the now unattainable death

I have seen the colour of God's hands
They do not reside in Heaven
But down here on Earth

A touch from the blue is all it takes to change the garden's scheme of colour

Suicide Risk

Heart pounding
Pulse rising
Thoughts finally unclouded

He can see the end in sight
The light at the end of the tunnel is bright
The scent of death was never more inviting

The creaking door opens
It's cocked and at the ready
His chum enters as normal
Unaware of the events yet to come

"You're the only person who ever cared about what I did"
"What are you talking about dude?"
"I just wish my parents would see me the way you do"
"What?"
"Goodbye"




Goodbye

Why I Write

when i was younger, i never really understood the importance of writing. i just saw it as something you did for book reports and essay questions on tests. then when i turned eleven (i think), the whole concept of writing became something entirely different to me. i found it as a way to express my thoughts, argue (competently), critique others, and just have fun with it. i no longer wrote for homework and projects; i started writing simply for the sake of writing. i was suddenly thrust into this world where i could create things, be they terrifying, emotional, or just a string of random thoughts.

then something else came along. the world of poetry (which i see as something completely separate from writing) exploded in my face. it was such a curiosity for me. the deep layers of emotion and complex thought that lay between those verses was greek to me. then one day, i picked up a pen and began ink the broken thoughts that have lain in my mind for years. i realized then that this crude journal i was penning resembled something like the poems of lore i read so often. for a moment, i felt as though for a moment, i could see into the minds of those poets and could feel what they felt.

as for now, my mind is in a blur. nothing is clear. nothing is concrete anymore. everything in my head is a jumble of mixed emotions and uncertainty. i try to straighten things out in this maelstrom by writing down whatever comes to mind to see if i can make sense of it, but it doesn't help. i fear i will sail on these trackless seas forever.

She Died and We Did Nothing

Jeanne!
She died and we did nothing

The tromp of the beast grows louder
The clash of metal resounding throughout the halls

You will pay for what you did to her
But you will not be forgiven!

The blade finds its fatal mark
The piercing screams shake the night

Jeanne...
She died and we did nothing

She died

And we watched

Something Is Wrong

We shouldn't be here

tick tock

She tugs at my arm
Motioning me to run

tick tock

A man is running this way
He looks mad
No
He looks

Desperate

tick tock

Something Is Wrong

Shocking

"If wild my breast and sore my pride,/I bask in dreams of suicide,/If cool my heart and high my head/I think 'How lucky are the dead.'" -Dorothy Parker

The spark of an idea
The flick of the knife
The spark from the wall
Life flicks out of sight

What is this sensation?
What is this feeling?
What am I to do?

Pain, sorrow, Regret
Overwhelming the senses
The reading of an epithet
The soul building its fences

The spark of an idea
The call made
Now wait for the aid

The flick of the knife
Difficult is the idea of ending a life
Shortening the journey to the afterlife

Here comes the response to the call
Out flies the spark from the wall
They both fall

First goes the light
He cannot hear the cries of her plight
Another light flicks out of sight
Forever

When all is said and done
Her guilt weighs a ton
Out goes the light of the sun
And with it, her son

That Which I Hate

"Be careful when you fight the monsters, lest you become one." -Friedrich Nietzsche


Fear envelops me
Creeping into every corner of my mind
Seeping through the cracks of my soul

The coldness of death breathes down my neck
A tingling sensation rolling down my spine
I fly

His steps echo mine
The piercing screams shatter my ear drums
Trapped in these cursed doldrums I run
Paying no heed to the shrieks surrounding me
I continue on

A sense of macabre washing over me
The eeriness of this wretched world running through me
Piercing my heart

Unable to escape
He's always behind me
Just waiting for me to fall

Out of breath
Can't run anymore
The tromp of his boots grow louder

Soul rising
Shuddering, I turn
Facing him head on

Take a stand
I run no more
Put up your guard, death
Here I come

The clash of metal
Ice creeps onto me
Cold, merciless, unfeeling

Slain, death withers away
The cold shrouds my soul
The same cold that I feared
Unmerciful feelings cloud my thoughts
Malice floods my heart

Fear envelops me once again

I have become


That Which I Hate

Thoughts of a Fractured Soul

Ever-wandering
Ever-yearning
Lost in the carpal tunnel of confusion

Running forever
Fleeing from the pain
Hiding in every place imaginable

He is looking for Something
To numb it
To soothe it
To end it

He cannot escape it
A touch of destiny
Fated to wander forever in heartbreak

The pain
The sorrow
The rage
He feels it all

Like a child covered in blood
It never touched him but he's drowning in it

A cloud of witnesses surround him
He can hear them all and they're saying nothing

A shadow lurks in the dark
He cannot run fast enough
It has come



Will the pain ever leave?

Broken

Staring into the mirror
Cloudy eyes of a heartless being
Opened up to the things unseen

Dull, lifeless
Grief-stricken, flooded with fear
They yearn for redemption

The soul cries out
Searching for things lost
They're all gone

Driven by desperation
Looking for salvation
Everywhere but where it is

Looking through broken glasses
A blurred vision
Nothing is clear anymore

A tear-stained trail
Flowing from the medicine cabinet to the bed
Blood follows

An essence fracture
Nothing is the same anymore
Hope is lost

All grace falls
All hope falls
I fall

Untitled

One look in the mirror
What do I see?
Two beady eyes looking back at me

Every secret, every regret draws me nearer
They're there in the eyes
Through them, I can hear the soul's cries

A window into the soul some say
I daresay not
All I see are regretful memories forgot

Clouds in the pupils remind me of a rainy day
Tears of the soul
Making me again whole

Redemption is what the eyes beckon
Death is what comes
Beating its deafening war drums

The soul is but barren
Crying out for a drop of water
An owl in the tree the watcher
Does nothing

Busted [Conscience]

Oh shit!
We fucked up big time today
What's happening to me?

Laziness
Despair
Sin

Signs of a decaying soul
Beginning of the end for us
Death is here

Cheater
Liar
Fraud

Busted by the teach
Caught red-handed
All eight of us

Broken
Gone
Crucified

Give me the sheet he says
More lies ensue
Morals are lost

Shattered
An Essence Fracture
Shame

You son of a bitch!
We're screwed
Freaking fuck tards

Confusion
Offenses
Hate

One more chance
Redeem ourselves
Where did we go wrong?

Melancholy
Accusations
Derision

Damn, you guys are screwed
Shut the fuck up
What the hell?

Gloom
Bitterness
Responsibility

Just do it
Fine, whatever
Goddammit...





Kill me

Lord Send Revival, Start With Me

"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls." 1 Peter 1:6-9

Oh God, help me.

Spiritual Death

"So he called to him, 'Father Abraham, have pity on me and send Lazarus to dip the tip of his finger in water and cool my tongue, because I am in agony in this fire.'" Luke 16:24

i am dying.

slowly, day by day, i can feel a little more of myself wither away. i have fallen far from the Lord's presence.

it's as if i am limping aimlessly in this suffocating heat that may very well be Satan's domain. cut off from my vine, i can no longer live a life pleasing to Him. i fear the Lord is no longer by my side. i feel as though Christ has abandoned me on the roadside to leave me to die.

i can't feel anything anymore. hate, love, anger, distress, joy. all emotions have left me. i am a heartless wanderer in the inferno that is this earth. without my shepherd, i am doomed to drift throughout this world without neither meaning nor purpose.

i am dead.

Done

I'm Done

Done with this nonsense
Finished with this bullshit

Done with putting up with me
Done with the annoyance that is of me

Done with lies
Done with deceit
Resolve has strengthened me

Finished with deception
Finished with lying to myself
Finished with the laziness that is mine

Done with evil
Done with this disease called sin
Done with the vengeful thoughts

Finished with limping on
Finished with the mask
Finished with this shell

I'm Done
I'm ready to live

God of Heaven Come Down

i don't know what's wrong with me.

everyday i try to make good, to deny the evil within me, but everyday, i crash and fall. every day i try to make different and every day is the same. nothing i do has any effect on anything.

the evil is growing stronger with every fall. i can feel its pull on my heart, soul, and mind. it has crept into every crevice of my being. it's in every corner of my mind and it's eating me inside out. there's no telling if i'll ever make it out with my sanity or my life.

i pray for God to come and liberate my soul of this evil inside me. i pray for Him to forgive me of my sinful ways. i repent of my old life and wish to start anew.

i pray this now:

please God, if You're there, help me be rid of this evil that now plagues every part of my being. please forgive me for sinning against You. let me start over God. let me be a light unto Your name and not a Sunday Christian. help me to end this cycle of sinning and repentance. help me to live a new life free of this and let me be devoted to only You. please Lord. help me. amen.

denied

"To deny our own impulses is to deny the very thing that makes us human."
"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me."

which quote is true? can they both be? do u even know where they come from?

it doesn't matter where the first quote comes from (although, if you do study it carefully, you just might remember). it's the second that you should know. "cross" "follow me" those are the words of Christ himself. (it comes from the gospel of Mark)

which do i follow? both? is that even possible?

we are obviously human, no question about it. but does this mean that by denying ourselves, we are no longer human? that we must give up our humanity to follow Christ? the thought scares me. to no longer be a part of anything of this world and leave everything behind to follow the Messiah. the choice is simple, black on white, crystal clear, whatever's the appropriate simile for you. Follow Christ. but making the choice is easy, it's actually trying to follow through is hard.

can i really give up all of this? can i just drop it all on the side of the road and pursue Christ with heart, soul, and mind?

probably. we were never meant to be a permanent part of this world. our bodies are just temporary holding cells for our souls until we go up to heaven and yet, so much ties us to this world. our possessions and desires keep us down. we can never be free to follow God if we're shackled by our wants and impulses.

i have lusted for this world, and i still do. all the things it offers are so enticing that i'm right at the edge. but something's holding me back, keeping me from taking that plunge. it's the one thing i want that's being kept from me by other wants. it's a tug-of-war here; one side is the world and the other is Jesus. both are pulling me so strongly that i'm about to break. i'm at the brink of falling to my knees and never being able to be with the eternal One. i'm so close to the edge that i can hear death's footsteps echoing mine so perfectly that it's almost a part of me.

a look back

looking back on my life, i realize how far i've come. if someone were to look back on my earlier years, it would be nigh impossible to realize that crazed, enraged wreck of a child was once me. i'm no longer the child whose irrational behaviour and anger got the best of him. now i'm more analytical with my movements and actions. even so, i'm still a shadow of my former self.

i still do get angry, and rarely does it get the best of me. it still does, in which case i usually separate myself from the general public should i turn demonic and hurt someone. i have been known by several separate entities who have witnessed, and sometimes experienced, what anger can do to me. it's shown that the emotion anger inhibits the rationalization process within the brain, which explains why we do stupid things when we are infuriated, but still doesn't exempt me, or anyone for that matter, from the things we've done. i hated myself, and i still do, for all the things i've done under anger's spell.

it's difficult for me to channel my anger properly. instead of trying to something constructive, i just bury it deep within the pits of myself and move on. i have been able to control my temper, but only to a certain degree. there are times when that anger i've built up eventually spills over my barrier of self control and floods through my whole body. at which point, violence often ensues. with my friend (who shall remain nameless) felt the full blow of this flood, in other words, i broke his arm. however, it was by God's grace that somehow, instead of expulsion or suspension or saturday school, nothing happened.

it's at those low points in my life where God reveals Himself to me and i learn something new about myself. it was that day that i realized how dangerous i was when anger found its way to spill over my...."emotional levees," and from then on, i did my best to control myself and keep the floodwaters from rushing out. coincidentally, i had decided to take up tennis and it was then i realized that instead of unloading my emotional grief all at once, i was able to release some of that pent-up rage and keep the floodwaters of belligerence at bay.

dead man

i'm dead. no questions about it. (at least, i don't think so)

i feel as though my whole life's nothing but a huge charade. most, if not all people, have no idea about the "real" me. the person inside this shell of a helpful person without a problem in the world. *rolls eyes* almost everything i've said or done was either out of habit or "kindness." i've never one tried to actually explain what i truly think to anyone. i don't tell them that i think they're douche bags for being such fags and dumbasses. instead, i just nod or whatever and just help them out. not that i'm being selfish or anything but everything i've done was always for someone else. i've never done something for me or anything.

there are always days where i don't want to go to church early and help set up the worship equipment and sound system. (in fact, those days are coming at me at a larger frequency) yet, i still persevere through all the grunt work of moving huge ass speakers and enormous mobile shelves full of mics and drums. i do this on a weekly basis because there's really not anyone else to do it (fscking lazy asses >.< ). i know the Lord appreciates self-sacrifice and all, but i can't even begin to describe how i just want to tell people to get off their lazy asses and for once, get some sleep myself. i understand that it's for God and everything, but it just feels as though i'm lying to myself again. why do i still do it even though i don't like it? what makes me get up in the morning and do what i do? is it simply out of obligation? it's like i'm some fscking empty shell of a person.

i'm dead, inside. there's nothing left of my former self and the only thing holding me upright is that freaking shell of what i want to be.

goodbye music, hello God (?)

oddly enough, i've been strangely fortunate with whatever's going on in my life. the one thing i hate doing the most (lying) has been saving my ass left and right. i'm making a point to stop but like i said earlier, it's like a second nature to me.

music's been a rather significant portion my life. day in and day out, i'm listening to all sorts of things like rock or classical or whatever. unfortunately, it's starting to sneak it's way in to other parts of my life.

the whole point of worship at church is to worship God but sometimes, i just do it for the music (i'm the sound guy so i'm supposed to pay attention to the music anyway but that's not the point). it's been difficult for me to listen to sermons and sunday school lessons when songs keep playing over and over in my head. even now, my brain is on shuffle (it's paramore i'm "listening to" btw), which makes sense that music is one of my greatest pleasures. God's supposed to be my number one but lately, it's as if He's been pushed back in line for the sake of music. i love God and i love music. so does that mean i'm supposed to......give up music? just the thought is terrifying to me. i can't give up music; music's everything. maybe that's why i need to give it up.

i haven't felt God's presence in a long time. i know He does this to help us turn to Him in our times of grief and trouble, but i haven't. i've just listened to music to drown out the noise of life. it's hard to write these things because when i do see it, it "becomes" real. i mean, i know it's there, but the simple act of writing actually brings the issue up to my face. :/ perhaps it's time to quiet down my life for God. who knows? things might take a turn for the better.

hell if i know

something i wrote that was never blog-bound till now.

Confusion’s the path I’ve always been on. Never understood myself; the way I saw things, said things, and especially felt things were always a mystery. I try to be a good person, I really do. That being said, I’m nothing more than a thoroughly grade-A ass. Despite my best efforts to be a Christian, I constantly lie, cheat, etc. (well, that’s pretty much the main two). Oddly enough, I’ve always been a good—no—excellent liar. I could totally come up with a lie on the spot and be able to say it straight to that person’s face. (In fact, just a couple days ago, I did just that to my teacher). Lying’s been so easy for me (mostly because I can remember stuff easily and because I’m a quick thinker) it’s practically a reflex when I’m in a pinch. I totally blame my 7th grade literature teacher for making do extemporaneous speaking (no, still my fault). I don’t like it and I hate myself for doing it, but it does make thing easier. But from what I’ve learned, doing the right thing’s often hard. So does that make me a coward? Or lazy? I don’t know which but either way, I’m still a total sleaze ball.

I’m probably a pessimist or something like that because I can’t look at a single good thing about myself if I’ve got all these flaws. Maybe that’s why I try to help out whenever I can, you know? layer upon layer of distraction. I try to look “normal” and “happy” and whatnot in front of my friends but inside, I’m dying. I’m dying from all the things I’ve done. All the lies and deception in my life constantly resurface and I’m choking on it all. I don’t deserve my friends or my family. Hell, I probably don’t even deserve anything good that I’ve got.

My head’s not a nice place to be. It’s a jumble of random thoughts that if put together, just show you the real me. Underneath my shell of a human being is something you’d never want to meet, much less get to know. All the things I’ve ever done I’ve tried to erase with what I do now. I want to be a better person, but I know deep down, that’s not possible. I can’t change who I am, it’s me. Anything else I try to be is just me lying to myself. I wish I could change, I so do. But the reality is, I don’t know if I ever will.