Goodbye

I had intended to write this for some time, but I could never quite find the right words to use for something like this. It’s a scary thought: to have your sins laid bare before you and the world – to make known your shame. Many years ago, I confessed my love for a wonderful woman on this very blog. I suppose it’s only fit that I here confess my sins against her.

In the years I spent at UW, I always found myself gravitating to my female counterparts, as opposed to the men in our circle of friends. I suppose that’s the problem with having nearly all your friends from anime club – there tends to be a lower overall level of maturity to be found among your peers. Not to say that all the guys there were immature children – it’s just that a certain level of maturity and more serious conversations were, I found, to be had with the girls. This gravitation towards members of the fairer sex combined with the alcoholic nature of the many parties we had made a recipe for disaster that would end with Brenda understandably losing her trust in me.

The first person with whom I encountered relational issues with was Joy. It wasn’t that I was attracted to her, but our personalities worked so well together. We were both incredibly enthusiastic and outgoing people who weren’t worried about looking the fool so long as fun was to be had. I recall one evening where we both met at Trabant for a cup of their salted-caramel creamy chai [I think at that point, we referred to it as the SCCC – with additional C’s for comedic effect]. She had introduced me to the buttery combination several weeks prior and we were both hooked on the stuff. Over the course of the evening [she had just gotten out of an evening seminar class of some sort], we discovered our mutual admiration of old 90s sitcoms and cartoons and alternative rock music. We spent the better part of several hours reminiscing over shows like “Reba” and “Jackie Chan Adventures” before going to dinner together. I didn’t have enough cash at the time and so offered to put the whole bill on my card to simplify things and just have her pay me back at a later time. At this point, to me, this was just a fun evening with a good friend, but, as her friends pointed out to her, it could be considered a date [although we both later realized that neither of us actually thought of it that way].

Fast forward several weeks and we’re both at a party in the Townhouse, drinking and having a merry time. She jokingly steals my seat and I retaliate by sitting on top of her. Because of the drunken stupor, I can’t quite recall when our positions reversed and she sat atop my lap – for all I know, that could have been at a subsequent party. Things had gotten a bit grabby – especially with Russell’s drinking game – but we concluded the evening with our dignity intact. Not too long after, however, she and I both agreed to sit down for a serious talk about our behaviour at these parties. We decided to maintain our distance and keep things as friends. As mature adults, we adhered to this agreement for the rest of our time at UW, even when we ended up living with each other at the Townhouse. There was no real romance between us – just a strange affinity resulting from having essentially the same hobbies and personality. At the time though, I knew Brenda wasn’t exactly fond of the closeness developing between Joy and I, but I didn’t want to distance myself from a friend when we both knew exactly how things were to be between us.

My second encounter was, by far, the greatest issue and most definitely the largest wedge driven into our relationship.

Her name was Susan and she was the only person who made me question my feelings for Brenda.

We met in a study group for the first organic chemistry course. I honestly can’t recall how, but we became quite close after that. We bonded over our history in tennis and affection for alcohol. She was very open about her past relationships and how they ended – her love life in general, I guess. I had never known someone with such a history [given how I spent my previous years in a private school and then in the nerd herd of a public school, I shouldn’t be too surprised though]. In my heart, I was speaking with someone who I saw had been broken one too many times and, in my naiveté, sought to reach out and help. We spent many nights talking over Facebook and with a webcam. She didn’t exactly wear a lot of clothing when we spoke online, but at the time, I thought it better not to say anything since she said it made her uncomfortable [no, she was not naked online – I took the time to look through the thousands of messages we exchanged to confirm this. So for those who I told the story to a while back: my bad, I technically lied to you about this].

There was a time she was feeling incredibly sick, so took it upon myself to skip out on class that day and come over to take care of her. At some point, I laid in her bed with her in my arms to help her deal with the ridiculous coughing fits she kept having. Obviously not something someone with a girlfriend should have been doing, but she really was in a lot of pain. Sometime later, she invited me to a club event hosted by some of the Asian student associations on campus. I had never been to one and was a bit curious, but at this point, I’m pretty sure I was just denying the fact that I wanted to spend some time with her. As she called it, we did a lot of “dirty dancing” the entire night to the point where the button-down I was wearing was actually worn out quite a bit. After that, I ended up spending the night at her place because it was too late to get home by bus. The only bit I can recall at the end of that evening was  when I woke up sharing a blanket with her on the floor of the apartment. As the months passed, we kept on going about things in a less than ideal manner. As far as parties were concerned, she’d stay over, I’d stay over, and we’d talk to each other for a very long time and late in the evening online.

It’s not like she wasn’t aware that I had a girlfriend – she’d refer to me as a friend when we were talking or when talking about me with other people. We never held hands or kissed or did all that PDA couples usually do, but there was definitely an intimacy that normal friends do not share. As we grew to know more about each other, my affection grew alongside and to a point where I wasn’t sure with whom I was really in a relationship anymore. Eventually, I realized that this needed to come to a stop. Things were just running rampant and I was losing my mind. She actually did get a boyfriend during the time this was all going on. It was then that I decided to confess my feelings for her, knowing that, because of her new relationship, she would have to deny me. Things slowly petered off after that and most of our conversations were limited to discussing club matters or physics class notes/exams. The damage to my relationship with Brenda, however, was already done. I had lied too many times to her about Susan.

During my final year at UW, we had many a new member join our anime club, one of whom was Virginia. While there was no actual romantic intent between us, my closeness with her only fueled Brenda’s mistrust in me. Like it was with Joy, we both had an affinity for each other due to mutual hobbies, namely, anime and cooking. We would hang out after anime club back at the new apartment with Jay, my roommate, and watch more anime while sipping some scotch that I had bought. I made no attempts to lie to Brenda about this, especially after what happened with Susan [the guilt within me was just too much to deal with any longer]. Virginia would stay over from time to time, not necessarily out of choice, but because the late-night owl bus would come too early and she would miss the last stop. This only increased in occurrence during the summer, unfortunately. While everybody else was back home for the heat, she and I were the only ones left from anime club still near the U-district [another friend was taking a summer course as well, but commuted from home far from school, so he wasn’t around for much longer after classes ended]. As a result, Virginia and I would spend much more time together just because we were the only people around. She had a boyfriend at the time, so it wasn’t like she was romantically interested in me. We spent much time having conversations about anime, food, and our relationships. Not once did I experience the same sentiments I had with Susan, but the fact that she was spending so much time around my apartment didn’t allay any of Brenda’s worries.

Obviously, it’s not like I only knew three women during my time in Seattle. There were many other girls I became friends with and spent much time with on a regular basis. These three were simply the ones with influence over my love life. I was more than aware of several others who had feelings for me, but nothing came of it.

And, of course, there was the queen of my life too, Brenda. My love for her started out as a small grade school crush that didn’t really blossom until 8^th grade, when we were in the same group for our English class project and we actually spoke for the first time. Though I was quite young, I was mad for this girl. I looked forward to and cherished any and every single moment we spent talking to each other over MSN messenger or AIM when we were in high school. In our third year, I finally confessed my affection for her on this very blog. Our first date was at Puente Hills AMC 20. She was wearing her ACI Institute sweater and greeted me with the biggest smile and a hug. To be honest, I don’t even remember what movie we went to go see. The rest of the time was spent window shopping around the mall with her hand in mine. It was only the first date, but I knew then I was fiercely in love with her. I remember writing cheesy, lovey-dovey poetry to her, which accompanied any gift I gave to her. The first prom was at my school and cost me $145 for both tickets [more than other students because she was not from the same school]. I remember asking her friend, Tiffany, to help me out by keeping her at the tennis courts [mostly because that was the only place at RHS that I knew about at the time]. It was a small thing: I handed her a wild rose and asked her out, albeit a little over a week before prom. I waited almost a whole year before I actually said the words “I love you” to her and it took even longer – the next time we went to prom at her school – to kiss her.

When the time came for us to go to college, she said something very unsettling to me: she wanted me to fight for her because she was unsure of whether or not she’d be able to love me after dealing with the pain of me being gone for so long. And fight for her I did. We spent countless hours talking about the future of our relationship, not knowing where we were going to settle after college and just coping with the distance. She wasn’t very fond of the idea of me staying in Seattle, wanting me to come back home to California after I was done. At the time, and even still now, I didn’t really feel like I had a place for me in the world. There was no place I could call home and no place really felt like it, except when I saw Brenda’s face and a familiar feeling of joy would overflow – to me, she was my home.

My intense love for Brenda was what kept me sane after so many years of life in the Liberal and sexually open atmosphere of college life. I held onto that lifeline when things were getting strange with Joy and after the emotional debacle that was me getting to know Susan. At some point, I noticed that my grades weren’t as top notch as I would have liked for my potential future in medical school. My world just came crashing down on me as the realization dawned on me that I would not be able to provide for Brenda in the future. I stopped going to class for a while and just sat in my room in a stupor of depression and confusion. Then her father passed away. I knew exactly what I should have done: call her, talk to her, fly down back to California for her, but I did none of those things. I was so ashamed of the fact that I tried to kill myself that I couldn’t bring upon her the idea that another person was nearly permanently out of her life.

Trying to work things out after that never really succeeded. We spent a long time talking about this and I remember asking her ceaselessly what I could do, but she never gave me an answer. As a college student with no part-time job, I didn’t have any money to spend. Sure, my parents would send me a monthly stipend for food and school supplies, but it was just enough. I didn’t have the money to spend on lavish gifts for Brenda – and if I did, wouldn’t that mean I could just bribe my way back into a good relationship? That’s not what anybody wants. So, I gave to her the most precious thing I had: my time. I spent every waking moment I could with her, but it was apparent that this wasn’t enough. The damage was done: the scars were there and I could do nothing to show her that I was different from before. I was, but it was just too late for her. She broke up with me soon after in September of 2014 and thus ended our six-year relationship.

I promised myself that I would not shed a single tear over the break up, but it hasn't been easy. Knowing it was my fault that it ended and knowing that I had betrayed her was just so wholly devastating. I was wracked with guilt for so long. I know my behaviour was less than stellar in college and completely inexcusable, but I knew that and tried so hard to find a way to show Brenda I had changed, but nothing worked.

When we broke up, I remember telling her I would still talk to her every day, asking how her day was and carrying on conversation like friends do, but I could never bring myself to do it. I thought it would just take a couple weeks or so to get over the fact and start again. I was still holding onto those words she spoke to me so many years ago: “fight for me,” but I just couldn’t do it anymore. I loved her too much to try again because I knew I couldn’t stand the idea of breaking her heart for the second time. My heart was too broken to try and love again either. And so, I spent the next few months completely broken, going through the motions and just finishing up college.

Returning to California was rather surprising for me. I found that there was still a warm heart within my church family. I could see myself being slowly put back together as I found my way back to my faith that I had abandoned so many years ago. And yet, I still couldn’t let go of Brenda. I don’t know why – she wasn’t about to come back into my life again, but she was such a large part of my life for so long that I didn’t know what else to do. I loved her and in some way, I still do now, but if I’m to start living again, I have to let go. This past week, I have been slowly removing the things she has given me and the one thing I remember her by: that keychain I gave to her so many years ago as a sign of my love and commitment for her.

I wasn’t sure exactly how I would finally end my time with Brenda, but now I do. And to that effect, I would like take the words of Leonard Church from the popular webseries, “Red vs. Blue”

[Church] …figure out how to do it right, but now I know. I know how to fix all of this – how to end it once and for all. It was so simple all along: I just had to tell you three words. Three words I wasn’t capable of telling you before.

[Tex] Oh, okay, wait a minute, are you gonna say “I love you?”

[Church] No, Tex, no, I’m not gonna say “I love you.” I’m gonna say “I forget you.” I forget you. I’m letting you go.

I forget you, Brenda. I’m letting you go.