I've read all the gospels and I've read books from both the Old and New Testaments in the Bible. I go to church and understand the so-called "deep" and "adult-level" discussions (for crying out loud, sometimes, I know more than the adults do). Saying that I am a bible scholar is going too far, but I am very adept at interpreting the passages in the Bible. I know what the scriptures say and I know what they mean. But even with all of this...religious rabble and Bible knowledge, I still cannot understand what it is like to be loved by God.I have read the gospels and I know why Jesus came to die for our sins and that God loves us, but obviously, knowing is different from understanding and experiencing. There were always those times when we would cry at the church retreats, when we could feel God's presence filling the space in the room, but I never cried because I could feel his love - no, I cried because I could feel the weight of my sins crushing my heart.
Jesus came down to Earth and died on the cross so that his blood would wash away our sins so that we may ascend to heaven one day, but I've never felt this sense of purity or cleanliness. I was taught to forgive and forget the transgressions of other people, but such a thing is not so easy when it comes to my own person. I say this because, other than God, I am the only other people who knows myself well enough to understand my motives and thoughts. Knowing that, the path to purity and forgiveness seems to stretch on forever in an equally endless void.
Perhaps I feel this way because I still hold on to my past so tightly. But I absolutely cannot let go. I do not know why I hold on to the chains of my pain. I think I just fear that if I let go, everything will disappear. If I let go, I will lose everything and I will be nothing more than a meek sheep on the dark road of life. To suddenly be free of this pain doesn't seem just. I have been the source of much grief and pain of so many others that it isn't fair for me to just erase everything I've done as if I was not even in their lives. It's only fair that I feel the pain that I caused.
