It's Only Been 4 Weeks

Though it's only been about 4 weeks into the Autumn quarter, I can't help but feel so overwhelmed by all that I have to do. Japanese has been, by far, the most difficult thing that I've had to deal with and I suspect that the next few years won't be getting any easier. Multivariable calculus has been what calculus has been: difficult in the beginning and marginally easier to comprehend as the course continues. I'm hoping that I won't have to take any more math classes at the UW since this is already the final course in the calculus series.

Everything has been such a time-suck lately. Glee is the one class that is fun, but after the late-night and weekend rehearsals for the Paccar Hall processional and the Husky game, I haven't had a moment's respite in what seems to be ages. I've missed fellowship meetings for the past two weeks because I either had Glee rehearsal or just too much homework to do.

Thankfully, I've been able to hang out with one of the people I met at orientation in June. We'd sometimes get lunch or just hang out for a while in the afternoon. I think that if I didn't have those few hours every so often of not having to care so much, I'd go insane with everything piling up around me.

Yesterday, we made some rice balls for lunch and watched "Bad Boys II." It's amazing what those few hours did for me because I didn't realize how stressed I was until everything melted away when I first put that clump of rice in my hand. It's been so long since I've had some genuine rice and even longer since I've made any food.

Sadly, all my stress came back in a single flash last night with a single phone call. I haven't had dinner in the past two days and after a 3-hour screening at the Anime Club with some friends from my Japanese class, I was starving. Sadly, the cafeteria closes earlier on the weekend, so I couldn't find anything substantial to eat, so I took a shower and went back to my dorm. It had been three days since I last talked to Brenda online and I was a bit too tired to turn on my computer, so I just flopped onto my bed and called her. After a while, Brenda mentioned that during this winter break, she would be going back to Taiwan again.

I can't remember the last time I cried so hard.

My heart completely shattered the moment she said "Taiwan." I think the reason why they call it "winter break" and "summer break" is because something always gets broken because of them. It's so hard to cry yourself to sleep over something so simple as "I love you."

And it's even harder to wake up with tears still in your eyes.

It's Very Cold Here

I think my loathing of this place grows slowly after each passing day.

Back in LA, I suppose you could say I was a person of relative importance. But here, I'm nothing. I'm just a little California boy who's two shades too dark and completely blinded by the flood of plaid everywhere.

I guess the reason why I love to travel so much is because I never felt like I belonged in one particular place, so I kept moving around trying to find it. I once thought that when I was in Hong Kong, I'd feel "right," but I didn't, so I kept looking. Freshman year in high school, I jumped at the chance to fly over to Europe for about 10 days. The trip was wonderful, but it wasn't what I was looking for either.

The strangest thing is that I never really felt like I fit anywhere. Ever since I was a kid, I felt the presence of this strange wall of glass that followed me everywhere, keeping me separated from everyone else. The same went for high school and at church, even. I never felt like I fit. I couldn't find that one place that "clicked" with me. I've always been that odd puzzle piece that didn't quite fit anywhere.

I thought that by going to Seattle, I'd find this "home" that everybody else seems to have, but I've only come up empty.

Life in College

Whenever you're about to go off the college, everybody says the same thing: "oh, dude, you have so much freedom to do whatever you want since you only take like, 3 classes every day" or something to that effect.

That is a bald-faced lie.

Ever since my parents left me to my own devices at UW, amidst the learning to live with another person in my room and the unusually short classes, I have yet to come across this "complimentary freedom" that everyone was telling me about [as opposed to the complimentary refuse that the cafeteria refers to as "Asian Slaw"].

Seriously, where is my complimentary freedom? I want my money back.

I realized then that, with the start of college, I felt the weight of responsibility crushing my shoulders into dust. I had to navigate the maze of buildings that students here call "campus" and spent so much time going over my homework and trying to find a fellowship and church that by the time all was said and done, it was close to midnight. I had homework due after the first day. I had a hell of a time figuring out how to type in scientific notation on my computer because apparently, there's a special way to do it on WebAssign. I had to actually use my solutions manual because my multivariable calculus teacher was teaching how to graph in 3D space when we didn't even cover it in high school in my BC class. I had listen to my Japanese teacher communicating to us only in Japanese ON THE FIRST FREAKING DAY.

I had to.

I.

Me.

Not "we."

"Alone."

Even when it came to finding a church and a fellowship/bible study group, I was doing it. In the midst of all this, I had lost sight of what was most important. It wasn't a "we" effort, it was me going it alone.



Another thing people told me about college is that it's easy to forget about God.



And I have done just that.