Things have changed.
Everybody's all graduated and grown up, moving on with their lives. Some finding internships as illustrious hospitals, others moving on to medical or grad school, and some are leaving the states behind for moderately greener pastures.
And here I am. Just slowly wasting away as I aimlessly meander throughout the labyrinth of life. I honestly don't know what I am doing anymore. For all intents and purposes, attending UW was supposed to put me on a path towards medical school in the hopes that I'd one day emerge as a surgeon. Now, instead of struggling to learn how to cut into other people, I'm struggling to learn how to not cut into me.
Yes, that's right, I tried to kill myself.
Everything in my life has turned to absolute garbage. I've all but stopped going to class at this point and don't even bother to work at all sometimes. The fire that once burned so brightly and fiercely inside of me has been extinguished. I no longer care for myself in any proper fashion except to maintain the thin veil of a prim and proper appearance for the sake of the people I occasionally meet. I've hurt Brenda in such a way that I feel as though I'd never find forgiveness in her heart for me. Things seem to be okay, but deep down, it feels as though she's repulsed by me and that there's nothing I can do about it. I'm constantly lying to everyone about how well my life is going [I guess I have to thank Production Choir for that - it taught me how to fake a smile despite any sour mood underneath].
And I can't even bring myself to care.
I've pretty much lost everything - my faith, my home, my girlfriend, myself. I've always been unhappy, that much I know. As strange as it may seem, I never knew what it was like to be "truly happy." That blissful experience everyone else talks about? I don't know how to find it. I thought I was happy whenever I was with Brenda, but it seems as though even that turned out to a slow decaying of a temporary puppy love. I know I love her, but I can't feel that small twinge of happiness whenever I see her anymore. I can't feel the joy I used to have even hanging out with my friends. I can't feel what I imagined to be happiness with my family at church. I can't feel anything anymore.
I always wanted that happiness I saw so frequently in everyone else. For the longest time, I thought if I could bring a smile to the people around me, I'd somehow find my own. And that worked - for a while. But at some point, I guess I realized that this happiness was not mine. And after that, I assumed that being happy was none of my business - making other people happy, however, was something I was fully capable of doing. It's not that I'm a people-pleaser - far from it, actually [I'd gladly smack any kiss-asses I come across] - it's just that I don't know how to do it for myself.
But I can't keep going like this. All this pain and misery inside have hollowed me out to nothing but a crumbling shell. I don't want to feel sad all the time. I want to know what it means to be truly happy in my life - even if just for a brief moment. Just one iota of time when I can say truly "yes" if someone asks me if I'm enjoying myself. I can't live like this anymore.
I just don't know what to do to change that.
