i'm dead. no questions about it. (at least, i don't think so)
i feel as though my whole life's nothing but a huge charade. most, if not all people, have no idea about the "real" me. the person inside this shell of a helpful person without a problem in the world. *rolls eyes* almost everything i've said or done was either out of habit or "kindness." i've never one tried to actually explain what i truly think to anyone. i don't tell them that i think they're douche bags for being such fags and dumbasses. instead, i just nod or whatever and just help them out. not that i'm being selfish or anything but everything i've done was always for someone else. i've never done something for me or anything.
there are always days where i don't want to go to church early and help set up the worship equipment and sound system. (in fact, those days are coming at me at a larger frequency) yet, i still persevere through all the grunt work of moving huge ass speakers and enormous mobile shelves full of mics and drums. i do this on a weekly basis because there's really not anyone else to do it (fscking lazy asses >.< ). i know the Lord appreciates self-sacrifice and all, but i can't even begin to describe how i just want to tell people to get off their lazy asses and for once, get some sleep myself. i understand that it's for God and everything, but it just feels as though i'm lying to myself again. why do i still do it even though i don't like it? what makes me get up in the morning and do what i do? is it simply out of obligation? it's like i'm some fscking empty shell of a person.
i'm dead, inside. there's nothing left of my former self and the only thing holding me upright is that freaking shell of what i want to be.
i feel as though my whole life's nothing but a huge charade. most, if not all people, have no idea about the "real" me. the person inside this shell of a helpful person without a problem in the world. *rolls eyes* almost everything i've said or done was either out of habit or "kindness." i've never one tried to actually explain what i truly think to anyone. i don't tell them that i think they're douche bags for being such fags and dumbasses. instead, i just nod or whatever and just help them out. not that i'm being selfish or anything but everything i've done was always for someone else. i've never done something for me or anything.
there are always days where i don't want to go to church early and help set up the worship equipment and sound system. (in fact, those days are coming at me at a larger frequency) yet, i still persevere through all the grunt work of moving huge ass speakers and enormous mobile shelves full of mics and drums. i do this on a weekly basis because there's really not anyone else to do it (fscking lazy asses >.< ). i know the Lord appreciates self-sacrifice and all, but i can't even begin to describe how i just want to tell people to get off their lazy asses and for once, get some sleep myself. i understand that it's for God and everything, but it just feels as though i'm lying to myself again. why do i still do it even though i don't like it? what makes me get up in the morning and do what i do? is it simply out of obligation? it's like i'm some fscking empty shell of a person.
i'm dead, inside. there's nothing left of my former self and the only thing holding me upright is that freaking shell of what i want to be.
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