Alone

Ever since the Global Leadership Summit ended, I've had this strange feeling that something was encompassing my person. I didn't know what it was at the moment since I was riding the "spiritual high" that comes with these sorts of events. Soon after though, about 3 hours later, really, I found myself at Youth Fellowship doing what I usually did, and that same feeling filled my entire being. I didn't know what it was, but it felt cold. It wasn't that I felt empty on the inside, but that I felt emptiness on the outside.

I'm not entirely sure if this was a feeling that simply manifested immediately after the Summit. I keep thinking that this plaguing sensation had more than once clouded my presence many times during the week. Even today during Bible study, I still felt this strange coldness wrapping around me. Every person I met felt far off in the distance and was unusually inaudible. Suddenly, everything that was happening with other people was something that would occur when I was far off somewhere else: today's little craft session was during my volunteer shift and the Youth sleepover will be happening when I'm all the way in Hong Kong and Brenda's starting college when I'm overseas as well.

For the longest time, I didn't know what this was, this strange feeling that depressed me to the point where I lay in bed crying for no apparent reason. Up until about five minutes ago, I realized that what I am feeling is loneliness. I haven't been able to talk to anybody and all I really wanted was to just be around people and when I was, things were ok for a while. Usually, when I figure out what my problem is, I can deal with it almost immediately, but I haven't been able to shake this feeling of solitude. It hurts so much and I have absolutely no idea why it does or why I feel so alienated.

I've never felt more alone.