Today was a bit of an eye opener for me. Well, maybe I should start at the beginning.
We had a game against Charter Oak today and I had absolutely no idea that we had one. Even though I didn't have my uniform, I was still obligated to go since I failed to go to any of the three games last week (which resulted in several consequences, all horrible on various planes). Despite my lack of proper attire, I still asked Coach if I could play singles, so she subbed me in for Kevin in the final round. While I was playing against Ben, (the player from Charter Oak) I was doing quite well, seeing how I was up 5-3. Unfortunately, I goofed up the rest of the game and ended up losing 5-7.
I had lost many times before, this year and last, but for some reason, this loss came with the most crushing realization: I always lost every single game I played. I always lost.
I'm no stranger to defeat. I've messed up and lost out to the better of my peers countless times, yet this loss clung to me with its vice-like grip. I felt (and feel) so depressed. Was I really that bad? I'm always out of the spotlight: never placed at the position of honour for being the best in well, anything. It was always second place or third place or last place for me.
For years, I've stood on the sidelines, helping other people take up the torch and watching as they raced to first. I don't think I've ever been the "winner" or "first place" in anything. The closest I ever got to that spot of honour was when I was holding it up for someone else. Am I really destined to lose every single time?
Do you know what it's like to lose every single time? To always come in last place either because you weren't good enough or because you gave up to let someone else win? I don't know why it's bugging me so much that I always lose. It used to be second nature of me to pass into the quiet as I held up someone else as victor and number one. Helping others at my own expense used to be something I'd done for so long that it felt like it was the only thing I could do.
But God calls upon us to be humble. In Ephesians, He tells us, "Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." And in 1 Peter, the apostle Paul says, "Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble." I've tried to follow God ever since I knew Him, but I always fell short. It's so easy to burst out onto the spotlight as the best of the best, receiving praise from those around you, but it's so hard to stay humble and remain quiet on the sidelines as you clap for the person who did win.
So what now? Do I just wallow in the poison of my own self-pity? Or should I just go on with this rant and never stop complaining about how hard it is to listen to God?
I asked God why this happened to me. I wondered why this repetition never ceased and why I was never "number one." As I sat on the bus on the way home, I asked Him this and He reminded me of three things: my churchies, school friends, and Brenda. I remembered the joy it brought me when I served alongside my fellow churchies in missions and how happy I felt whenever I saw the faces of my friends light up when they understood something after we reviewed course material. But what stuck out in my mind the most was Brenda. I remembered the times when we just talked endlessly online and when I went out with her to the mall the last day of spring break. I remembered when I asked her out to prom and the excitement and anxiety I felt as I repeated to her the little "speech" I worked on for hours. I remembered when I was at prom with her and how beautiful she was in her dress. I remembered the happiness she brought into my heart and the smile she brought to my face every single time she entered my mind.
God did all of this for me: He brought all of these people into my life. I was never first place or the winner in sports or academia, but I'll be damned if I wasn't a winner in God's book. He blessed me with all of these people who brought such joy and love into my weary heart and I thank Him for that.
We had a game against Charter Oak today and I had absolutely no idea that we had one. Even though I didn't have my uniform, I was still obligated to go since I failed to go to any of the three games last week (which resulted in several consequences, all horrible on various planes). Despite my lack of proper attire, I still asked Coach if I could play singles, so she subbed me in for Kevin in the final round. While I was playing against Ben, (the player from Charter Oak) I was doing quite well, seeing how I was up 5-3. Unfortunately, I goofed up the rest of the game and ended up losing 5-7.
I had lost many times before, this year and last, but for some reason, this loss came with the most crushing realization: I always lost every single game I played. I always lost.
I'm no stranger to defeat. I've messed up and lost out to the better of my peers countless times, yet this loss clung to me with its vice-like grip. I felt (and feel) so depressed. Was I really that bad? I'm always out of the spotlight: never placed at the position of honour for being the best in well, anything. It was always second place or third place or last place for me.
For years, I've stood on the sidelines, helping other people take up the torch and watching as they raced to first. I don't think I've ever been the "winner" or "first place" in anything. The closest I ever got to that spot of honour was when I was holding it up for someone else. Am I really destined to lose every single time?
Do you know what it's like to lose every single time? To always come in last place either because you weren't good enough or because you gave up to let someone else win? I don't know why it's bugging me so much that I always lose. It used to be second nature of me to pass into the quiet as I held up someone else as victor and number one. Helping others at my own expense used to be something I'd done for so long that it felt like it was the only thing I could do.
But God calls upon us to be humble. In Ephesians, He tells us, "Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." And in 1 Peter, the apostle Paul says, "Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble." I've tried to follow God ever since I knew Him, but I always fell short. It's so easy to burst out onto the spotlight as the best of the best, receiving praise from those around you, but it's so hard to stay humble and remain quiet on the sidelines as you clap for the person who did win.
So what now? Do I just wallow in the poison of my own self-pity? Or should I just go on with this rant and never stop complaining about how hard it is to listen to God?
I asked God why this happened to me. I wondered why this repetition never ceased and why I was never "number one." As I sat on the bus on the way home, I asked Him this and He reminded me of three things: my churchies, school friends, and Brenda. I remembered the joy it brought me when I served alongside my fellow churchies in missions and how happy I felt whenever I saw the faces of my friends light up when they understood something after we reviewed course material. But what stuck out in my mind the most was Brenda. I remembered the times when we just talked endlessly online and when I went out with her to the mall the last day of spring break. I remembered when I asked her out to prom and the excitement and anxiety I felt as I repeated to her the little "speech" I worked on for hours. I remembered when I was at prom with her and how beautiful she was in her dress. I remembered the happiness she brought into my heart and the smile she brought to my face every single time she entered my mind.
God did all of this for me: He brought all of these people into my life. I was never first place or the winner in sports or academia, but I'll be damned if I wasn't a winner in God's book. He blessed me with all of these people who brought such joy and love into my weary heart and I thank Him for that.
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