It's funny how the little things that people say to comfort you turn out to be more painful than anything they'd say to deliberately hurt you.
Something odd happened today.
I was at a friend's house today and he showed me the new Alienware computer that was coming out (the "All Powerful"). He had to leave for a club banquet, so I had my mom pick me up before he left. When I was at home, I updated my facebook status. Everything seemed perfectly normal, even when another friend commented on my status.
I made a joke about feeling "all powerful" and he went on to ask me what CPU the computer had. I didn't remember, but I did have the link to the article on Engadget, so I just gave him that. He didn't reply for a while, so I just assumed that he signed off or something, but later, he commented back, saying how it was a nice laptop and that I deserved it.
That really hurt.
"Deserve." I don't deserve anything. I'm a horrible person who's done horrible things. I'm only sixteen and already, my life's full of sin. So many mistakes, so many wrongs. I've done terrible things. I don't deserve anything that brings me any sort of pleasure or happiness. All I deserve is what I've inflicted upon others. All I really deserve is punishment for my sins.
"You reap what you sow." Not so for me...
People always comment on how "wonderful" a person I am for volunteering my Saturdays at the hospital or for willingness to help anybody. When my motives were questioned, (i.e. volunteer hours for college transcript, etc) I told them I did these things simply out of altruism. While that may be true, it's only one side of the coin. I truly do feel happy when I see someone smile but I'm not always smiling because they're smiling. I do what I do because I hope that this could somehow atone for my misdeeds. By volunteering, by helping at church, by tutoring, by doing all these things, I try to erase the blood on my shirt. But no matter how hard I try, the stains won't come off.
Something odd happened today.
I was at a friend's house today and he showed me the new Alienware computer that was coming out (the "All Powerful"). He had to leave for a club banquet, so I had my mom pick me up before he left. When I was at home, I updated my facebook status. Everything seemed perfectly normal, even when another friend commented on my status.
I made a joke about feeling "all powerful" and he went on to ask me what CPU the computer had. I didn't remember, but I did have the link to the article on Engadget, so I just gave him that. He didn't reply for a while, so I just assumed that he signed off or something, but later, he commented back, saying how it was a nice laptop and that I deserved it.
That really hurt.
"Deserve." I don't deserve anything. I'm a horrible person who's done horrible things. I'm only sixteen and already, my life's full of sin. So many mistakes, so many wrongs. I've done terrible things. I don't deserve anything that brings me any sort of pleasure or happiness. All I deserve is what I've inflicted upon others. All I really deserve is punishment for my sins.
"You reap what you sow." Not so for me...
People always comment on how "wonderful" a person I am for volunteering my Saturdays at the hospital or for willingness to help anybody. When my motives were questioned, (i.e. volunteer hours for college transcript, etc) I told them I did these things simply out of altruism. While that may be true, it's only one side of the coin. I truly do feel happy when I see someone smile but I'm not always smiling because they're smiling. I do what I do because I hope that this could somehow atone for my misdeeds. By volunteering, by helping at church, by tutoring, by doing all these things, I try to erase the blood on my shirt. But no matter how hard I try, the stains won't come off.
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