Depression is a strange thing. It is this state of being where we can no longer feel any joy or happiness. Instead, all that flows in our veins is sadness and often times, self-loathing.
I'm no stranger to depression as I myself have experienced it a number of times. Of course, I am not referring to clinical depression, (that sort of condition is best diagnosed by a doctor and not by oneself) but rather a perpetual state of unhappiness. Funniest thing is, there was once a time when I was depressed for many weeks, but no one noticed. No, it's not because nobody cared about me, (at least I'm hoping that wasn't the reason) but it was because I hid it every single day with this false mask of happiness. I would venture out of my room every day to stalk the earth with my plastic smile and painted eyes of glee, preventing any of my peers from seeing what I was truly feeling inside.
I am reminded of something I saw a long time ago:
Every night, before I sleep,
What I saw, I then must reap.
It isn't guilt inside that I keep,
But loneliness that scars me deep.
The solus makes me want to weep.
None feel this deep, so I weep.
Strangest part is, even though it was only last year that I felt so lonely and depressed, the feelings never truly left. Yes, they faded, but not completely. Even though I am in a happy relationship with Brenda, I still can't help but feel alone. I rarely see her and every time we do, I dread our goodbyes. But sadly, it isn't physical loneliness that plagues me, but emotional. I know that I can tell Brenda anything, (as well as several other friends) but I don't want to worry her. I don't want her, or anybody for that matter, to feel the same pangs of depression that burn away at me every day.
I still don my mask, hiding myself from the rest of the world, though not every day now. There are people who are there for me. I know that I can tell them anything and they'll listen, but I can't. I'm too scared-no-too prideful to open myself up like that.
Crying myself to sleep isn't the best way to fall asleep, so I lay awake in my bed. I just lay there staring into space, straying out of time as I go over myself and my sins.
I'm no stranger to depression as I myself have experienced it a number of times. Of course, I am not referring to clinical depression, (that sort of condition is best diagnosed by a doctor and not by oneself) but rather a perpetual state of unhappiness. Funniest thing is, there was once a time when I was depressed for many weeks, but no one noticed. No, it's not because nobody cared about me, (at least I'm hoping that wasn't the reason) but it was because I hid it every single day with this false mask of happiness. I would venture out of my room every day to stalk the earth with my plastic smile and painted eyes of glee, preventing any of my peers from seeing what I was truly feeling inside.
I am reminded of something I saw a long time ago:
Every night, before I sleep,
What I saw, I then must reap.
It isn't guilt inside that I keep,
But loneliness that scars me deep.
The solus makes me want to weep.
None feel this deep, so I weep.
Strangest part is, even though it was only last year that I felt so lonely and depressed, the feelings never truly left. Yes, they faded, but not completely. Even though I am in a happy relationship with Brenda, I still can't help but feel alone. I rarely see her and every time we do, I dread our goodbyes. But sadly, it isn't physical loneliness that plagues me, but emotional. I know that I can tell Brenda anything, (as well as several other friends) but I don't want to worry her. I don't want her, or anybody for that matter, to feel the same pangs of depression that burn away at me every day.
I still don my mask, hiding myself from the rest of the world, though not every day now. There are people who are there for me. I know that I can tell them anything and they'll listen, but I can't. I'm too scared-no-too prideful to open myself up like that.
Crying myself to sleep isn't the best way to fall asleep, so I lay awake in my bed. I just lay there staring into space, straying out of time as I go over myself and my sins.
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