something i wrote that was never blog-bound till now.
Confusion’s the path I’ve always been on. Never understood myself; the way I saw things, said things, and especially felt things were always a mystery. I try to be a good person, I really do. That being said, I’m nothing more than a thoroughly grade-A ass. Despite my best efforts to be a Christian, I constantly lie, cheat, etc. (well, that’s pretty much the main two). Oddly enough, I’ve always been a good—no—excellent liar. I could totally come up with a lie on the spot and be able to say it straight to that person’s face. (In fact, just a couple days ago, I did just that to my teacher). Lying’s been so easy for me (mostly because I can remember stuff easily and because I’m a quick thinker) it’s practically a reflex when I’m in a pinch. I totally blame my 7th grade literature teacher for making do extemporaneous speaking (no, still my fault). I don’t like it and I hate myself for doing it, but it does make thing easier. But from what I’ve learned, doing the right thing’s often hard. So does that make me a coward? Or lazy? I don’t know which but either way, I’m still a total sleaze ball.
I’m probably a pessimist or something like that because I can’t look at a single good thing about myself if I’ve got all these flaws. Maybe that’s why I try to help out whenever I can, you know? layer upon layer of distraction. I try to look “normal” and “happy” and whatnot in front of my friends but inside, I’m dying. I’m dying from all the things I’ve done. All the lies and deception in my life constantly resurface and I’m choking on it all. I don’t deserve my friends or my family. Hell, I probably don’t even deserve anything good that I’ve got.
My head’s not a nice place to be. It’s a jumble of random thoughts that if put together, just show you the real me. Underneath my shell of a human being is something you’d never want to meet, much less get to know. All the things I’ve ever done I’ve tried to erase with what I do now. I want to be a better person, but I know deep down, that’s not possible. I can’t change who I am, it’s me. Anything else I try to be is just me lying to myself. I wish I could change, I so do. But the reality is, I don’t know if I ever will.
Confusion’s the path I’ve always been on. Never understood myself; the way I saw things, said things, and especially felt things were always a mystery. I try to be a good person, I really do. That being said, I’m nothing more than a thoroughly grade-A ass. Despite my best efforts to be a Christian, I constantly lie, cheat, etc. (well, that’s pretty much the main two). Oddly enough, I’ve always been a good—no—excellent liar. I could totally come up with a lie on the spot and be able to say it straight to that person’s face. (In fact, just a couple days ago, I did just that to my teacher). Lying’s been so easy for me (mostly because I can remember stuff easily and because I’m a quick thinker) it’s practically a reflex when I’m in a pinch. I totally blame my 7th grade literature teacher for making do extemporaneous speaking (no, still my fault). I don’t like it and I hate myself for doing it, but it does make thing easier. But from what I’ve learned, doing the right thing’s often hard. So does that make me a coward? Or lazy? I don’t know which but either way, I’m still a total sleaze ball.
I’m probably a pessimist or something like that because I can’t look at a single good thing about myself if I’ve got all these flaws. Maybe that’s why I try to help out whenever I can, you know? layer upon layer of distraction. I try to look “normal” and “happy” and whatnot in front of my friends but inside, I’m dying. I’m dying from all the things I’ve done. All the lies and deception in my life constantly resurface and I’m choking on it all. I don’t deserve my friends or my family. Hell, I probably don’t even deserve anything good that I’ve got.
My head’s not a nice place to be. It’s a jumble of random thoughts that if put together, just show you the real me. Underneath my shell of a human being is something you’d never want to meet, much less get to know. All the things I’ve ever done I’ve tried to erase with what I do now. I want to be a better person, but I know deep down, that’s not possible. I can’t change who I am, it’s me. Anything else I try to be is just me lying to myself. I wish I could change, I so do. But the reality is, I don’t know if I ever will.
I've told you this once before. You are not a bad person and in no way, shape or form a sleaze ball.
ReplyDelete-tiffany